With Devastation Comes Hope

Here is a picture of my emotions this weekend....

Hold on to your hats everyone...this is going to be a long one...

On Friday Mackenzie and I both had an appointment at 9:00am. We both had blood drawn and an ultrasound. It was pretty funny because I sat in with Mack during her u/s and then when she was done, we both ran into the next room for mine. We laughed and joked; it was such a carefree appointment.

When we were all finished, Victoria gave Mackenzie her list of daily appointments for the upcoming week and we were on our way. Everything looked great and all we had to wait for was to see if Mack was going to start her injections on Friday night or on Saturday....it all depended on her levels.

I couldn't ask for a better person to share this experience with!

twin blood draw!

Friday afternoon Mackenzie and I were waiting and waiting for a phone call. We even texted a few times to see if either of us had been called yet - the injection nervousness was setting in! We finally received a call around 3:30pm. Victoria called Mackie and then called me to tell us the news....the devastating news....

Mackenzie's blood work came back with an FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) level of 19. A level of 19 is considered high, epecially for a 22 year old. In order to move forward in the process Dr. Hickey wants this number to be less than 10. If you think back to my process. My FSH level of 41 is what alerted us to find out that I had Premature Ovarian Failure. For a woman in her 20's you normally see a FSH level around 5 or 6...really anything less than 10. As you get older it takes more and more FSH to pump up your follicles to produce eggs so the older you get the higher your number until the point of menopause - when your number is the level of mine. With Mack having high FSH...there was only one thought in my head and only one thought in theirs...it is possible that Mack is TOO MUCH like her oldest sister. You can't even imagine the tears....the worry...oh Mackie...my Mackie girl...

On Saturday morning, Mackenzie went back into the office in order to redraw her blood to see if there was a lab error. Later in the day we found out that...no, it was not an error, her numbers didn't change...what this means is...

Mackenzie is unable to be a donor at this time.

They are worried that this might be an indication of PMOF in Mackenzie as well...we aren't totally sure yet, they will look further at a later date. (There is a blood test that they have to send out to Boston.)

We were only 10 days away...they were only supposed to tell us what night to begin the injections...Mack is only 22....PLEASE GOD NO....Can this seriously be real?...Whoa, whoa, whoa, WHAT?!...What does this mean now?...Please tell me it's a fluke, an error, a mistake, someone else's blood!...PLEASE GOD NO!!!!!! Don't do this to us now! Don't do this to my LITTLE sister! I AM LOSING ALL FAITH IN YOU!!!

At this point as you can see my emotions and thoughts just ran wild. Brian & I didn't know what to think and didn't know what was next. We definitely weren't sure we could go through this whole process again. I just couldn't help but think that God seems to be trying to tell us something...in a pretty cruel way, I might add...but trying to tell us something nonetheless. Is there something I'm missing? I just don't get it!

While we were at a cookout Saturday night I received a message from Victoria, stating that they may have another possibility for us. It wouldn't involve Mackenzie, but it is something they would like to offer us and talk to us about... when we left around 9:45pm, I called her back...

There are all types of patients at Hinsdale Center for Reproduction and at any infertility doctor's office. There are patients who are there for reproductive health and may not necessarily be trying to have a baby, there are patients who need a boost in their ovulation, there are patients who need insemination, and then there are the patients who need Invitro-Fertilization (IVF) or Donor Eggs. In the 2 1/2 years that I have been part of this practice - I have been through all of them someway or another... and I just can't even believe it...

The patients who have been through IVF make the decision on what they want done with the embryo's that they have left. They can pay to keep them frozen just in case they need them in the future, they can have them humanely destroyed by the center, or they can donate them to the center to be used at their discretion.

Victoria went on to explain to me that donating the embryo's to a couple in need is not something that HCR takes lightly. They just don't give them away to anyone. She told me that Brian, Mackenzie, & I have been very special patients from the beginning and that they are just completely heartbroken that we haven't been successful. They believe that Brian & I are meant to be parents and that they would like to give us the chance. Victoria then and there offered up embryos for Brian & I to have and implant. I was completely awe-struck. I just couldn't believe that they would give us this chance. How awesome! She continued to explain that because I am completely ready to go we can begin the process and have the transfer THIS WEEK! Obviously Brian & I had a lot to talk about and discuss. This was a huge decision. Now, this baby won't be my egg or his sperm it is someone else's - someone we don't know, is this something we're willing to give up on? I will still get to carry and give birth, though...hmmm...

After MUCH discussion, Brian & I decided that this is the right step for us. We feel that this is God's plan for us at this time. We aren't sure why he decided this would be the way, but we trust Him.

Yes, I'll admit, I was really looking forward to this process with Mackenzie and I know that she was too. Regardless we'll forever have a special bond and I just can't thank her enough for all that she did and was willing to go through for us. I couldn't be any luckier to have such a wonderful sister. We Love You, Mackenzie!

I called Victoria on Sunday to let her know that YES! we would take them up on their offer. After a few phone calls back and forth about logistics (see, there is this party in Ohio I REALLY want to attend on Aug. 8, it's for my cousin, Rick, I just CANT be home on bed rest! - yes, they understood!) I found out today that my transfer is currently penciled in for THIS Friday, July 31st at 9:30am! (Mom, Kris, & I immediately went out to Tommy Nevin's for a celebratory drink - we're counting down the days until beer is out of sight for quite awhile - only 2 days to go!)

With the news of the transfer date, my med schedule changed tonight. I am no longer taking the Lupron injection in my stomach, I have switched it out with Progesterone in Oil. The progesterone injection is another IM injection that Brian has to administer. So, tonight it was two IM injections: 1cc of Progesterone and 0.2 cc of Delestrogen. Starting tomorrow I will take the 2cc of Progesterone and then I will add in Medrol and Tetracycline both of which are taken orally. Medrol will be taken daily at bedtime and the Tetracycline will be taken 2x/day until the 28th and then 4x/day after that. Then on the 30th I will go in for a blood draw and then the 31st for the transfer! After the transfer I will be on 48 hours bed rest.

WHEW!

Did you get all that?

Whirlwind, isn't it?!

Please keep us in your prayers this week, we're not out of the woods just yet...