Seriously???

I don't usually post twice in one day, but I felt that this post didn't seem to fit with my "Happy Easter" post. The Easter post was just far too cheery.

I had another appointment this morning at 7:45am for blood work and ultrasound. If you remember, I've been going weekly for about 5 weeks now in order for Dr. Hickey to make sure that my meds are doing what they are supposed to be doing. My ovaries should be shut down and my lining should be getting nice and thick. Each week has brought me the same thing...there hasn't been anything too too crazy (well...there was the new med).

Two weeks ago, my lining was at a 6, last week it had increased to a 9. Right on target and the nurses told me "one more week!" (until the biopsy) Optimally we want my lining to be at an 11. Today I went in and my lining was BACK AT A 6! Seriously??!! Where could it have gone?!

Brian doesn't come with me every week; usually the appointment is so fast that it doesn't make sense for both of us to be late to work. What is interesting is that for some reason God knew that I needed him there today.

I had the ultrasound tech, Kelly today, so I didn't get any information about what it means just yet. The nurse and the tech don't really say much, they wait for Dr. Hickey to look over my ultrasound pictures and blood work and then they call me with his findings. So, we left with questions....and I left with tears....again...

I know that it probably doesn't seem like something to cry about, I mean really, we don't even know anything yet. But, let me just tell you...it is something that just continues to bring me down. I felt that we had a good thing going...a 6...a 9...well, it had to be a 12 this week, right? I don't get it. Why doesn't my body just do what it is supposed to do? I have medication completely running my whole cycle and yet it is STILL not working. What the heck! I'm getting shot in my stomach every day and in my butt twice a week, and I'm inserting a pill every night before bed! What more can I do! This was only supposed to be a 7 week process and here I am going on week 9. I'm tired of the "one more week"..."next month"... when is "now" going to come?

My wonderful, amazing, understanding, caring, and loving husband just always knows what to say to me as I'm crying, crying, crying over another not so good appointment. He told me that this is okay, that this is when we want these things to happen, during our trial run. He reminded me that it is much better to have it happen now then when we are in the middle of our transfer with Mackenzie's eggs. That's when we want it to go smooth...it's okay that it doesn't right now.

He's right...this is why they do a trial run, so that all of this hoopla gets figured out and that way when we are in the middle of transfering Mackenzie's egg to me we know what to expect. Why couldn't I be more reasonable?

The doctor's office called me this afternoon and asked me to come back tomorrow. I have another ultrasound scheduled for 3:30 tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully I'll have some good news and this post (and my tears) will seem silly. Only God knows.

I have a quote-a-day teacher booklet and today's quote was so fitting - amazing how that happens sometimes!

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." ~ Mother Teresa